The forgetful General

In a burial honors for a former military general, the attendees include several retired military officers.

General Santos, who is already in his 60's approached the group of septuagenarians. He approached his former boss, General Dugomon who was grinning ear to ear when he saw the familiar face of a former subordinate.

"Sir, how is my snappy Company Commander?", he said,  as he saluted to his long-lost former commander in Mindanao.

Suddenly,  his wife who was behind him joined the conversation.

"Sweetheart, what is the name of your former commander? Please introduce him to me!", said Mrs Santos.

General Santos was stunned, he began scratching his bald head.

"Ahhhhhhhh. Ahhhhhhh. Whew!! Sorry, I am already an old man!", were the only words that he can utter.

Marksmanship Instructor: The Shooter

Shooters in their 'full combat regalia'. Competent instructors are sometimes tapped to perform teaching jobs at the Army's training institutions. (Photo by Sgt Joey Baniatan)

Before leaving for a conference, Captain Bruno introduced Lt Col. Botyok, his commander who volunteered to teach the soldiers of their unit on pistol marksmanship. 

"Gentlemen, you all know that our instructor for today is a distinguished marksman in his own right. He had won championship trophies for this unit for the past several years," said Bruno.

His commander was grinning from ear to ear. He was nodding in appreciation to the sweet talk delivered by Captain Bruno.

 He was wearing all the shooting accessories as if he is on standby to shoot in an IPSC competition. He had Oakley sunglasses, quick-draw competition holster set and a shot timer tucked on his waist. He also had his Paraordnance pistol with magazines full of ammunition.

As Bruno slipped away through the backdoor, he watched as Lt Col Botyok started demonstrating the quick draw drills while uttering his own version of the shooting fundamentals.

Two hours later, Bruno came back to the classroom. He noticed that there was a commotion among the students. His commander was nowhere to be found. 

"What happened to the Colonel's lecture? How was it?", asked Bruno.

"It was all okay sir. There was presentation on the concepts and more importantly, there was demonstration," said one Sergeant.

"Great! But, why are you all laughing before I came in?", said Bruno.

"Sir, the Colonel accidentally shot our wall!", came the reply, followed by boisterous laughter among the training participants.

Walang Barya sa Jeep

Galing Fort Bonifacio, nakakagawian na ni Sgt Boloy na sumakay ng jeep papuntang Guadalupe kung saan sya nakatira. 

Eksena sa Sarao jeep na kanyang sinakyan ay 'tikalan' (yabangan). 

Ang pulis ang unang nagpa-abot ng kanyang pamasahe. Makinis, mabango at tigasing P100.00 ang inabot.  "Manong, galing sa Gate 3. Sensya na walang barya, bagong sweldo sa amin eh."

Ayaw naman patalo ang isang mapormang mama at sinundan ang pulis. Mabango at matingkad na P500 ang pinasa. "Manong, sensya na. Walang ring barya, seaman ako eh. Kakapalit ko ng aking dollars  sa Money Exchange". 

Nakakunot noo na si drayber at tila wala na syang pambarya. 

Ayaw magpatalo, nagpakitang gilas si Sgt Boloy. Dadagdagan ang problema ni manong drayber. Nag-abot ng kumakaluskos na tunog nyang P1,000 na bagong-bago pang labas at amoy imprenta pa.

"Manong, sensya na. Ako si Sgt Boloy. Galing akong AFPSLAI nag-loan!". 

Byaheng Quiapo ni Sgt Boloy

Isang araw, naatasan si Sgt Boloy na pumunta sa Quiapo upang mamili ng gamit sa opisina. Pinili nyang sumakay ng jeep patungo sa Avenida.

"Ito po bayad ko," sabi ni Boloy habang inaabot sa drayber ang P20.00 na papel.

"Saan nanggaling itong beinte pesos?", tanong naman ni mamang drayber.

Dahil mainit ang panahon, uminit din ang ulo ni Boloy dahil sa 'bobong' tanong ng drayber.

"Eh, tinatanong mo pa! Sa pitaka ko galing yan!", nanlilisik ang matang sagot. Tumahimik lang ang drayber.

"Asan na sukli ko?", singil ni Boloy dahil alam nyang sobra-sobra ang inabot na P20.00.

"Wala nang sukli!", tila galit ding sumagot si mamang drayber.

"Bakit, magkano ba ang Avenida?", tanong ni Boloy.

"Damuho, kahit bilyonaryo ka, di ipinagbebenta ang Avenida!", sagot ni mamang drayber.

Taxi Ride ni Botyok

Dahil sa kanyang kabayanihan sa Mindanao, isa si Botyok sa pinadalhan ng mensahe ng pamunuan ng Philippine Army na magiging awardee bilang Best CAFGU  sa  Army Day celebration.

Dahil laking probinsya, malaking problema ni Botyok ang pagpunta sa kampo ng Philippine Army sa Fort Bonifacio.

Kung gaano sya katapang na gumala sa mga kagubatan ng Basilan, ganon din sya kaduwag na maglakad-lakad sa kalakhang Maynila.

Nilapitan nya ang kanyang Detachment Commander na si Sgt Boloy upang magtanong.

"Basta ang gawin mo, pagkababa mo sa barko ay taxi na agad hanapin mo at sabihin mo na magpahatid sa Army Liaison Detachment sa Fort Bonifacio," sabi ng kanyang boss na nag-abot ng tig P100.00 na perang papel na umabot namang humigit kumulang sa isang libong piso, bilang travel allowance.

Mukhang madali lang ang instruction ng boss nya pero matindi ang pag-aatubili nyang lumisan pa-Manila. Kasya-kasya lang din ang kanyang pera, at ito ang lalong nagdagdag sa bigat ng kanyang kaisipan.

Pagkababa nga nya sa barkong sinakyan, taxi agad ang kanyang hinanap. Lumabas sya sa pier at di naman sya nabigo.

 

Pagkapara ng taxi, agad syang umupo at sa tonong Bisaya ay sabing,"Bay, sa Fort Bonifacio ako pahatid". 

Agad na ibinaba ng drayber ang metro at nagulantang si Botyok sa kanyang nakita.

Agad na P40.00 ang nakita nyang tatak sa screen! Kumalabog ang dibdib nya sa kaba. Kokonti lang pera nya dahil sa kaka-videoke at beer sa Super Ferry!

Dahil sa akalang P40.00 ang bawat patak ng metro habang tumatakbo, minabuti ni Botyok na mag-squat habang tinatahak nila ang kahabaan ng Roxas Boulevard.  Ayaw nyang umupo.

Sa malaking pagtataka ng driver, ito ay nagtanong: "Bay, anong nangyari sayo? Ba't ayaw mong umupo?".

"Eh kasi gusto kong magtipid, ang mahal ng patak ng metro mo kapag nakaupo!", sabi ni Botyok, sabay ngisi pagkakitang P3.50 na lang ang sumunod na patak.

"Bwahahaha! Akala mo, maisahan mo ko ha!", dagdag ni Botyok na nangangawit na sa kanyang mahirap na posisyon ngunit natuwa at 'naisahan' nya ang driver.

Ang Multo at ang Gwardya

Simula nang namatay ang pinagkakatiwalaan niyang driver na si Cpl Dimas dahil sa isang engkwentro sa Lantawan sa Basilan, lagi nang namamalik-mata si Captain Boloy. 

Nakikita nya ang anino ni Dimas na tila ay kinukutya sya. Pagkatapos ng isang linggo, tumitindi na ang eye bags niya dahil hindi sya nakakatulog dahil sa multong 'nakikita'.

Pilit nya itong ilihim sa mga kasamahan ngunit nahalata rin naman sya.

Isang gabing maliwanag ang buwan, dakong alas diyes, isang boses ang narinig mula sa kanyang kubo.

"Gwardya, gwardya. Punta ka muna dito," sabi nya habang nakaabang sa labas ng kanyang kubo. 

"Bakit po sir? Ano ang aking maipaglingkod?", tanong ni Sgt Botyok na nakangiti. 

"Pwede bang dito ka na magpwesto malapit sa aking kubo sa gabing ito? Mas ok dito at makikita mo rin ang kalaban na papalapit mula dito sa labas ng aking kubo," utos ni Cpt Boloy. "Merong upuan dito, relax ka lang at magmatyag na mabuti". 

Kahit alam ni Botyok na multo naman talaga ang dahilan kung bakit pinalipat sya ng pwesto, sinunod nya ito. Ngunit, umandar ang kanyang kasutilan. 

Mga dakong alas-dose ng hating-gabi, nararamdaman nyang balikwas ng balikwas si Cpt Boloy sa kanyang kwarto. Hindi na naman ito nakatulog. 

Sa kanyang paghahangad na makapang-asar ng opisyal, sinindihan ni Sgt Botyok ang kanyang kandila at agad namang pinatay ang apoy. Iwinasiwas nya ang usok nito sa paligid ng kwarto ni Cpt Boloy. 

Di kalaunan, biglang bumukas ang pinto at isang boses ang narinig:

"Gwardya, gwardya! Nagpaparamdam ata si Dimas. Nangangamoy kandila!". 

(Lalong nangangayat sa puyat si Cpt Boloy at 'pinupulutan' sya ng pasaway na si Sgt Botyok tuwing inuman)

The malingering warrior

Before going to a combat mission, unit leaders perform the so-called operations brief. This is accomplished to ensure that all soldiers understand their specific roles as part of the team and as part of the platoons.

One day in our jungle lair in Basilan island, I supervised the final inspections done by our team leaders. Our unit was tasked to reinforce an Army platoon  which was heavily engaged against more or less 50 bandits in an upland village of Upper Manggas in Lantawan town.

My sub-unit leaders were busy with the final 'equipment check'. They made sure that everything was in order before we plunge into the fight.

From our location, we can hear the thunderous explosions of mortars and machineguns. Most of us were excited and ready to help our friends, some of whom were already wounded.

We had started loading in our trucks when my Platoon Sergeant, SSgt Kulapu came to me.

"Sir, Pfc Kulas, the Lead Scout of Team 3 suddenly became ill. He has diarrhea. I will find a replacement," he said. 

I was frustrated and mad. I noticed something fishy. I remembered that this guy was always 'sick' right before our combat missions.

I devised a countermeasure. I summoned the 'sick' soldier.

As he walked near me, I sensed that he was okay but was 'making faces' to exaggerate his 'suffering'.

I ordered everyone to disembark from the vehicles to hear my announcement.

"Gentlemen, let us delay our movement for a few minutes. For many times over, our comrade here is sick before a combat mission. Since he is having loose-bowel movement, I will personally inspect his shit just to make sure he is telling the truth and nothing but the truth," I explained, believing that my decision to allow the soldier to skip from our delicate mission must be based on a prima facie evidence. 

Amidst the excitement for the upcoming combat action, most of the soldiers smiled. They knew that Pfc Kulas suffered 'malingeritis' (a fake illness among soldiers who claim to be warriors only during drinking sessions).

Sensing that he was being cornered and that his stupidity exposed, Pfc Kulas stood ramrod straight and delivered his piece: "Buddies, I am going with you now. No need to see my damned ass in the toilet!".

Pfc Kulas' action drew boisterous laughter among my soldiers. He just wore a smile on his face as he rejoined his teammates.

"He can not 'one' me because I was not born yesterday (Di nya ako maiisahan kasi di ako ipinanganak kahapon)," I told SSgt Kulapu who was grinning from ear to ear.

From then on, he always stayed beside me during our various adventures in that island. I slept in the same bushy ground where he slept and ate the much-loved sardinas with him.

I never heard him complain about his illness since then.

I effectively cured his 'malingeritis'.

Sniper Boloy

During the pursuit operations launched by the military units against the Abu Sayyaf kidnappers in Sirawai jungles in 2002, many units were sent to locate the bandits who held two Americans as hostages.

There were Marines, regular Infantry Battalions and also the 1st Scout Ranger Battalion, my former unit.

To synchronize the actions of the various units involved  in this massive combat-rescue mission, a tactical command post (TCP) was established to monitor the troop movements. Hi-tech radios with external antennae were set up in the monitoring center to track the locations of the soldiers in real-time.

At least two generals and some senior staff officers were closely monitoring the conversations of the soldiers deep in the forests of Sipaket-Panabutan complex.

One early morning, a radio transmission was heard. It came from a sniper team who belonged to the Scout Ranger Battalion. 

The team observed some suspected enemies. 

"I can see at least 10 armed men cooking their food near a creek", said the voice from the sniper team's hand-held radio.

Thinking that the snipers spotted Abu Sabaya's men, a Colonel from the TCP (monitoring center) grabbed the radio in excitement.

"Mister you, please describe what they are doing", the Colonel asked.

"Sir, three of them are wearing slippers. Two of them are taking a bath. I can see at least 5 rifles unattended," came the reply.

"Okay, when you are sure they are bandits shoot them dead when necessary" said the Colonel.

As the snipers scrutinized the 'targets' through their spotting scopes, they noticed that some of the armed men wore uniforms with Army patches. They wanted to be sure before 'sending' their bullets.

Turning their radio  to the common frequency used by all units, they made a daring 'public announcement':

"Gentlemen, this is Sniper Boloy. I am the one occupying Hill 75. I can see 10 lousy-looking armed men relaxing near the creek directly north of my position. Three of them are taking a bath in the creek while another two are sleeping. Anyone of our 'friendlies' around in this area?", he said.

There was an eerie silence. No one among the units replied. But, Sgt Boloy saw that the the armed men suddenly rose their feet and started dressing up.

"In 3 minutes, if no one will acknowledge me , I will start shooting you all with my M24 sniper rifle. I rarely miss my target", Sgt Boloy stressed.

Moments later, an angry voice crackled over the radio: "Sanamagan, this is Captain Botyok, the Company Commander of Alpha company! I am aware that you recognize us but you keep announcing our SOP violations. DO NOT..... I REPEAT, DO NOT SHOOT! You shut up!!"

My Scout Ranger Adobo

 I am a Scout Ranger and a professional soldier. Due to my profession as a warrior, I am 'forced' to become a cook at times to survive with my buddies in the mountains. As an Army motto says, "Be all you can be!".

The popular viand among Scout Rangers is canned sardines. Every SR operator is very familiar with brands like 555 and Ligo.  

It is widely known in the Army that the Rangers have  a thousand ways to cook the famous sardinas. 

Just imagine eating sardinas for weeks in the jungle! We have countless 'sardinas mix' like papaya, dahon ng sili, labong, kulop, pako, etc.

During lulls of combat operations, I always looked for my favorite menu to get rid of the hated sardines. It is locally known as the adobong manok (chicken adobo).

In rare occasions, I cooked our dish under the tutelage of my soldiers and sometimes, the local residents whom we befriended in the area.

Let me therefore introduce to you my unique Scout Ranger chicken adobo. 

To the fundamentalist Pinoy cooks, please don't castigate me for my version of the chicken adobo. Who knows, you will like the taste too!

I am proud to report that I passed the scrutinizing taste buds of my wife and especially my son Harvey.  For me, that is something to be proud of. 

I am aware that adobo is derived from a Spanish word which means 'to marinade' or 'seasoning'. 

It is said that the Christian invaders discovered that our Muslim ancestors like Rajah Lakandula and Rajah Humabon prepared an 'indigenous cooking process' which involved stewing with vinegar. 

Since then, they refer to the food prepared using that that style of cooking as 'adobo'.

As an absentee father for many years, I used my 'secret cooking style' to bond with my son. The first time I volunteered to prepare the dish last year, he was reluctant. He had never seen me prepare our meals all his life.

He secretly arranged with his mom to buy cooked food that he can eat if my dish turns out a 'disaster'. 

Let me say again, my menu is the Scout Ranger adobo. My technique is a blend of wild imaginations and 'copy-pasting' the techniques used by people that I met in my various assignments (Visayan, Ilocano, Ilonggo, Tagalog).

Unlike most of the proud 'kusineros' (chefs), I don't marinate the chicken meat for a longer period.

Let me tell you that in the jungle, Rangers just stay in a patrol base for a short period of time (not more than 24hours). We don't wait for the enemy to come and disturb our cooking. (While we cook our food, our snipers and machine gunners stand guard anyway)

These are my sample ingredients:

1 kilo chicken pieces, cut up
1 head of garlic, coarsely chopped
4 tbsp soy sauce (or more to taste)
2 tbsp cooking oil
1 tsp of Cayenne pepper
1 tsp ground black pepper
1/2 cup water
1/2 cup vinegar (coco vinegar locally known as 'tuba' is my favorite)
4 pcs bay leaves


                                           Scout Ranger's adobo cooking steps:

1. Mix the chopped chicken meat with vinegar, cayenne pepper, half of the garlic, bay leaves, cooking oil and soy sauce. 
   
2. Cook slowly in a frying pan. Add 1/2 cup of water when the meat turns brown. Keep mixing the meat to ensure that they are evenly cooked.

     3.  When you see that the water has dried up, put the rest of the garlic and adjust the heat to medium-low.

     4. Keep mixing the meat and the ingredients until about 25minutes of cooking.

     5. There  should be a little sauce left in the pan (my Ranger adobo does not have 'sabaw').

     6.  Serve with any of the following: steamed rice, saging na saba or camote.


After our meal, I could not see any leftovers. My son was licking the 'drumstick' like there was no tomorrow.

He certainly liked my Scout Ranger adobo. He did not bother to eat his 'alternate' dish.

I was glad that my cooking did not end a disaster. My weekend bonding moment was a success!



(Note: You can copy my unique menu at your own risk of a 'cooking disaster')

Manager ng Ro-ro

Kanina lamang (Jan 15), pumasok ako sa paborito kong barbershop na nagpi-pedicure din sa SM Megamall upang masubukan ang magaling nilang serbisyo.

Napansin kong masama ang tingin ng katabi kong barbero na tila ay inuusisa ang aking hitsura.

Di sya nakatiis at sinimulan ang kanyang dialogue habang nakangiti.

"Sir, di ba ikaw ang Manager nong 'Ro-ro?", tanong ni Manong Barber.

Di ko ma-gets ang ibig nyang sabihin at ito ang larawan na sumagi sa isipan ko:

                                            

         

 Mga barkong ginagamit sa roll-on, roll-off shipping o kilala sa tawag na "Ro-ro". Minsan ko nang isinakay ang M151 Kennedy Type Jeep ko dito nang kami ay na-deploy sa Maguindanao noong mid-90s. 

Dahil yon ang agad kong naalala na impormasyon sa katanungan nya, sinagot ko naman syang maayos.

"Ahh, yong barko? Baka nagkamali ka lang eh baka kamukha ko lang yong manager!", sagot ko sa kanya.


"Hindi sir, yong bangka, di ba nanalo kayo ng limang gold sa pagro-ro (pagro-rowing) nyo sa Tampa?", sagot ni Manong Barber at humirit pa: "Di ba Dragon Ball Team kayo?". 

Parang malaglag ako sa upuan ko eh ito alam ko sa Dragon Ball:

Dahil mukha naman syang matino at friendly ang dating, hinayaan ko na lang sya sa kanyang mali-maling terminologies. Na-gets ko na rin na ang mga paddler pala ng Dragon Boat ibig nyang sabihin.

Nang malamang ako nga yong napanood nya sa isang interview pagkabalik galing world championships sa Tampa, nag-anunsiyo pa at proud na proud.

"Uy swerte natin, kliyente natin ang Team Manager ng sikat na Dragon Ball! Dapat matikas ang tip ng nag-gupit ng kuko nya!", patapos nyang hirit. 

                          (Ito pala ang ibig nyang sabihin, ang Dragon Boat Team!)

Ang mga sundalo ng Philippine Army na bumubuo sa Dragon Boat Team. Walang kamukha ni Dragon Ball Z dito.

          Ang mga magagandang dilag na kasama sa Dragon Boat Team. (Tere, Coach Annabs, Amina, Thea)